Preparation for Vulvar Biopsy -photo by D Marshall 2013

Last night I dreamed I was on a medical table cut open and bleeding.

Im certain this nightmare has something to do with the vuvlar biopsy I underwent last Thursday. It was a relatively minor procedure, performed in my doctors office, with  a local/lido-cane injection, and no apparent complications.  Even so: on a subconscious level  I think  having a ( #27) needle injected into my most intimate, private area & a (very) small  piece of labia flesh excised…was deeply disturbing on some level to my psyche.

 ”Its close to my clitoris”, I protested before my doctor began.

“No, she shook her head, “Not at all-it’s at least an inch away”

Thank god for small favors, I thought- ironically-how large a space one inch had suddenly become. A few moments later, my doctor tried to show me tweezers holding a 3 mm piece of skin.

“Look how small it is!” she told me as I lay there, my legs open, and tissue numb.

I shook my head-and immediately shut my eyes, refusing to look objectively at her neat round punch biopsy sample. I reacted similarly once when a dentist tried to show me a bloody area of my tooth he was working on. As a youngster, I almost fainted after a bloodless medical procedure. I’m not good with blood, or cuts, or flesh, or bone, or anything coming off my body in pieces-tiny or large.

I am no sissy. I have surfed,  ridden horses, swam with sharks, dove with wild sea lions, and jumped off a boat into hundreds of feet of deep wild pacific ocean water. I have had a 1000 lb  dolphin attack me underwater in a fit of rage during a live aquarium show. I’d honestly prefer that to another procedure like this one.

Lichen sclerosis is likely the culprit-It appears to have permanently changed my skin. Having pain, inflammation, a skin damaging tissue disorder -in this sensitive  region of the female anatomy- where I have never really had any issues before, has stirred up an emotional hurricane (shit storm). I am sitting with unexpected, uncomfortableness. I am trying to accept & have patience with the tender, swollen  places in my nether region, while waiting for treatment to work-and  getting a proper diagnosis.

This experience has changed me in other ways too. I no longer have any desire to sit naked, in a classroom or studio, for teachers or groups of students. I can barely tolerate the pain in my vulva while I am resting at home in my softest PJ’s and on my own  comfy, heated, mattress. Cold, hard, charcoal grimy platforms, rough towels,  and old misshapen  pillows, objects De rigueur  in most art studios- have lost all appeal.  Sweating, dancing, stretching, and many yoga/art model-y type movements-are also out of the question. Somehow when there was pain or discomfort  in my head, neck, or arms-I was able to cope/hide/manage it-and still be a great model. But these new sensations are simply too invasive & extreme.  They cut to the core. After 16 years, this is a real deal breaker.

Retiring has freed up my calendar in a major way. I am able to rest as often as I need, and to schedule with doctors anytime they have openings-which I hope will facilitate recovery and healing. My diet has changed yet again-to include plenty of whole grains, nuts, seeds, vegetables, smoothies, fresh green juice and organic seafood. Lots of anti-inflammatory &  immune building stuff  is now  in my menu.

I plan to focus on my own work. Whatever that is. I have been so removed from my own process for so long, I honestly have no idea where I am at as an artist..but I can’t wait to find out.

Also- I wonder how many other women are experiencing similar symptoms as I—but never talking openly about how it. This is definitely a  conversation I wouldn’t mind starting

Orchid Petals by Lisa Byrne 2013

It is Spring right now in Southern Oregon.

Glorious & alternately: sunny, grey, frosty, wet, warm, and soon to be full of flowers.

Last Sunday I modeled in Wiemer Oregon, for a great group of artists at a beautiful light filled studio owned by painter Vince Carl. Though I made no *formal* announcement, afterwards I realized it was likely my last time ever booking a posing session for a group or school. After more than a decade and a half, I am unofficially retiring from Art Modeling

It was a difficult decision, that I came to slowly over time. Now, I realize I am happy to let go of all the worry I have been carrying. Though I appeared at my strongest physically-the past few months of posing  were the most uncomfortable-and my least enjoyable.

For the past year, every time I booked a  modeling gig-I wondered if I would be well enough to “perform” on the scheduled day. I packed a suitcase full of special food, layers of clothing and medicine in attempt to stay comfortable & warm.  Due to low body fat-I even began bringing a state of the art heater. But, ever since  a two year hiatus in 2010  (due to daily migraines) my stamina and ability to endure the rigorous demands of this j0b have never been what they were before.

I fought to keep symptoms under control-but the increased pain, stiffness & fatigue persisted. Symptoms- new and old-became to severe to continue. I am sad & nervous to lay down the ‘Art Model’ label that I proudly used since 1995 (who am I without it?) but I am looking forward to my body aching  less, and a significant decrease in my stress level.

Really, it’s time to finally focus on my own career.

Staying strong & feeling good when you have a chronic illness, and are in constant pain- is like keeping water in a bucket with holes in the bottom…its sort of a continual effort and can be exhausting.  Last week I received unexpected news, and I am in the process of being diagnosed with yet another health problem. This time it appears to be an incurable skin disorder. Something that, while treatable, might never go away. I am still processing the potentially devastating effects this may have one of the most private & sensitive places on my body. Lichen sclerosis of the vula is linked to autoimmune disease, thyroid dysfunction & hormone imbalances…

This was not a gift I was expecting to receive for my 45th birthday (or ever) yet here it is. I have also been dealing with severe leg & foot pain (neuralgia) since January, and a tender, aching  tailbone since last fall.   I just want to stop, rest, and heal.  No more pushing harder or working for other people. I am turning inward. I plan to rely on good friends, a loving partner, healthy food, relaxation, online research and every doctor I can find who will talk to me about a potential treatment plan.

I have only this moment right now. I want to fill it  with the best experience I can possibly can.  I want to acknowledge gratitude for everything I do have today. Thank you so much for allowing me to share this with you.  I wish you love, health, creativity and happiness always.

My friend is an expert art model, who recently offered to  pose for me.

One-on-one drawing in a private space is a completely different experience than public drawing groups. Close proximity, lack of a timer,  favorite music, food, a comfortable bed, and a  light filled, rurally located studio-made a relaxed, intimate setting. Though I arrived without my own drawing supplies, I quickly made use of  paper and ink on hand.  It feels good returning to the simple practice of figure drawing.

It’s hard to go wrong with a talented model like Rachel Rose.

Ambrose, by Lisa Byrne 2005-From the Portraits of Disconnection Series.

Ambrosia-from Greek & Roman mythology: food of the gods, said to bestow immortality.

I just re-found this image in my ‘Portraits of Disconnection‘ archives. It was taken at the Eagle Point Veteran’s Domiciliary at Stand Down in 2005. It might be the most powerful image in the series.

To my knowledge, this portrait has  never been shown in a (Jackson County/Oregon State) public exhibition. The organizers express visible discomfort to me when I propose including it. Too confrontational perhaps? I think what makes a committee  reluctant to show it, are precisely what make it compelling  to me. There is a very real, very human story here…

I wonder what other people see? I wonder what they will see  in 50 years?

Kindly share your thoughts with me dear readers

Sincerely,

L

‘Expansion’ 50″x 34″ color prints available. by Lisa Byrne 2012

Things have definitely been getting shaken (up) around here, not stirred…

Expansion: the act of increasing (something) in size or volume or quantity or scope, a vast expanse of area…

A deep re-evaluation of all the previous assumptions I had about my existence. Boundaries, roles and relationships. Acceptance, sexuality, and desire. Subject matter I long to dive into visually, but struggle with on paper…

I  struggle, but there is always my camera. As far as what I see-this I can express. I know what moves me. These recent images left me with a profound sense of amazement. I was awe stricken- shaken to the core when presented with the blue patina on white marble.

The beauty of cracks in a fountain, drained for winter.

This one is for you- Roy.

It starts out fine, with me making coffee, and suddenly I find myself with my head on the floor. I spend the afternoon crying, chain smoking clove cigarettes (emergency behavior only!!) and sending apologetic text messages a friend whom I’ve not spoken to for months-due to the wave of that grief that threatens to overwhelm me every time I attempt to call.

Without my best friend  I am at a loss.  I miss the guy who was always in my corner & never too busy to talk on the phone. He gave me the gift of unconditional friendship & showed me  patience, gratitude, acceptance & forgiveness-and taught me the preciousness of now.  He was my teacher, my champion, my true confidante.  Without judgement-he could lift me up, cut to the chase, or blow my mind-usually just by answering the phone.

Recently I met a man at a party, who told me he held his partner while she died. He was perceptive enough to ask me if I was OK- which made me realize-I am not. Few people I know have experienced this deep a level of living and letting go. Fewer have been willing to share it with me personally. It was like breaking open the hornets nest. To realize, with or without warning-we must all say goodbye. On one hand, this knowledge devastates me.. on the other I think I must be truly blessed. By loving another, and in receiving love-are we not handed the greatest gift of our lives?

Beyond the Sun, Shinedown http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bThrioVJLg

Life is Beautiful, SixxAM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYlS_kmxES0

Simple Man: Shinedown http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgFQ6WmxdMs&feature=list_other&playnext=1&list=AL94UKMTqg-9DOItRKwEq_Q5OEVrC_kZz3

Warm, gracious, wicked, talented Hellzapoppin revue traveled through Southern Oregon recently. It was my pleasure to get to know them a bit, and to photograph their troupe. Despite the fact that another photographer (you know you did!) razzed me for showing up with vintage cameras, and stuff called film, I’m thrilled to have ended up with this classic theatrical shot of KataSita their sword swallower.

For the record, working with these performers was an immensely gratifying experience.  I felt  immediately welcomed by them, at ease around them, and excited by their enthusiasm. The slightly unusual subject matter (fire eating/sword swallowing) aligned with my interest for the extreme, the erotic, and edgy. The entire week was like creative lighter fluid. It led to bigger ideas. I not only look forward to future visits from them-I swear next time I’m  gonna jump onto that red tour bus…

If you get a chance to see Hellzapoppin perform live-do not miss them.

Fire Eating at the Fairy Ponds, with Kata Sita, Ashland, Oregon
by Lisa Byrne 2012

*Sword swallowing is an ancient art, dating back approximately 4000 years. As far as I know only 1-2 dozen women in the word perform this daring skill. I have witnessed two of them live for the first time just recently!.  Links to a few ladies below

Lucky Hell, Lucky Hell on Facebook

Ms Heather Holiday , Heather Holiday on Facebook

Kata Sita, Kata Sita on Facebook

Miss Maryanne Magdalen, Maryanne on Facebook

Natasha Verushka

Riley Schillaci, Riley on Facebook

1-Offer me subject matter no one else can!

What do I really want for my portfolio? Female sword-swallowing, contortion-ism, beautiful models & sensual erotica, Arabian horses, circus acts, underwater acrobatics, inner city graffiti & graffiti artists, pole dancing superstars & rock concerts/performers, exotic pets, private zoo and rare botanical collections top the list. Tell/show me what you have…

2-Let me use your stunning property when I need, in locations I’d like to travel.

Perth, Australia. Japan. Bali. Paris, France. Ireland. London, Scotland, Spain, Slovenia. The Caribbean. Santa Barbara. San Francisco. Portland. Brookings,OR. Big Sur, The Channel Islands. Key west. Cabo, The Bahamas. LA. NYC… allow me to stay and/or shoot in your pretty home, heated pool, hotel/guest suite, yacht, coastal property, spa, chateau, nightclub, penthouse, dance studio, stable, dungeon, or give me access to an abandoned or industrial where-house!

3-Trade me something of similar value in goods/services to what you are receiving. Im trading  you hundreds (or thousands) of dollars worth of images for what? Make it worth my while. …Massage,pole or belly dance classes, vintage/designer clothing,groceries from the natural food store, camera repair, film/film developing, petrol cards, gym memberships, airline tickets, styling services (for photo shoots) or salon services (for me) gift certificates for any/all of the above. *if in doubt-just ask, I will tell you what I most need, and who my go-to people are.

Each shoot cost me a minimum $50-$150 :Lithium AAA batteries (for my flash) Gas for transportation. Parking lot or meter fees, club/party covers, tips. Juice/water/coffee/food. Film and film developing/scanning/printing/ink. (Hidden costs such as insurance, bulbs for strobes, website hosting, software programs, antiviral protection, computer updates, storage needs, camera wear-tear, replacement and repair)

To  consider scheduling a trade shoot -business, performance,  promotional, fundraiser, other- I now require the following: *must be received 48 hours prior to date of event

• Cash/cleared paypal deposit-to cover basic listed needs. Varies-does not constitute payment, but is a portion of total trade required to book calendar & cover expenses. Refundable up to 48 hours before event-I will cancel if not supplied with other items. Non refundable after that time-regardless if event is postponed, canceled, or another photographer is hired.
  
• Signed, dated, copy of my standard model’s (and if required, property) releases
  
• Written or emailed permission-that I am allowed to take photos at the event
  
• Names of person(s) in charge of club/event/property & mobile phone contact info
  
• My name on on the guest list-not having name on the guest list at entry to the club/event can result in me leaving without shooting or refunding expenses for the evening.
  
• Item of equal trade value, agreed upon-to be included in model’s release.
  

xoxo

‘Falling’ 2012

Signed, limited edition of 100

6″x12″/ 12″x24″/ 24″x48″ C print from digital original

Kodak Endura paper from pro/green certified lab, w/luster finish

*Inquiries to lisabbyrne@hotmail.com SUBJECT: Falling 2012

-Memory-

You speak to me with words

that cannot be seen

felt rather than head

in this hallway of dreams

language becomes

obscure

you are a ghost and

my heart remains

like  the hand

that once held

a bird

Lisa Byrne 2012

Zen corner of my living room

September marks my third year in this home.

A modestly sized,attractive, functional environment feels like an immense luxury.  25 years of renting has left me in awe (still) of walking into my entryway. Since I never lived with a partner before-I’ve learned to share this place with my companion. Last summer I cleared out as much as possible of what I brought with me (or accumulated) that was no longer useful.

Recently I attempted to organize what was left….It has been slow going, but the result is something I have always longed for

Empty space.