*Independence: a (1) : not subject to control by others (2) : not looking to others for one’s opinions or for guidance in conduct (3) showing a desire for freedom
How can someone that you’ve never met influence your life? Two years ago I wouldn’t have believed this was possible. But as a direct result of someone else’s work-whom I discovered online-my life changed. From the moment I read their blog, viewed their art, I began to discover what I needed most.
For my much of my adult life, I hid a dirty little secret. I possessed little confidence. It was buried deeply, in a place even I couldn’t access. Only one artist’s work & words ever made it in, unleashing a shit storm, causing a internal upheaval of cataclysmic (even biblical) proportions. The floodgates to self-acceptance, self-discovery & artistic bravery finally spilled open. Those close to me noticed. A few never called back.
Why couldn’t I push the ‘on’ button alone?
Decades of my own doubt & insecurity had worn me down. I was entangled in other people’s ideas of who I should be, as well as cultural right & wrongs. I lacked faith in my skills, and never gave myself full credit for my abilities. I had difficulty taking my work seriously, so I over-helped other people with their projects instead. I took little things way to personally, and worried if people would approve of my actions. I felt stifled & uncomfortable in my own skin. It’s unlikely that people who knew me were aware of my battle these all consuming demons.
During 2009-2010 I was worn out. Battling a chronic illness (CFIDS) for 20 years, a flare up of injury from dental work, and the death of several relatives sent my previously *stable* body into a 36 month decline-including daily migraine headache pain. It was to be a complete hell zone-where things I really longed for in my life-photography, fine art modeling, dancing, SCUBA diving, travel & financial independence-seemed far out of reach. I was giving in to case of defeat.
Around this time I discovered this particular artist: Whose work was erotic & daring, who wrote articulately and extensively about her process, who appeared shameless, unapologetic, adventurous, and downright ballsy-it was utterly revolutionary. She made me realize I had to take charge of my own creative life & career.
And, it was time to get to f*cking work.